My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
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I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?