Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
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[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
What’s so funny?