At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
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Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!