“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
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Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?