My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
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Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”