ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
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My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now