Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
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ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.