Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
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[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.