Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
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WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Ugh but profoundly
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.