It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
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I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t