Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
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At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.