at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
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Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Its true…
This kid will have a bright future.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither