*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
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6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Webb. James Webb.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.