me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
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There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
starting a garage orchestra
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
when you order from DoorDastardly
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it