I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
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Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Boy never ceases to amaze me
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
back to work
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”