[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
You Might Also Like
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
#parenting
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time