ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
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Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.