If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
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The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Had an epiphany today.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Sniffing the broccoli
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)