Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
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I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
pls suprot
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
#Caturday
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.