“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
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Made a playlist for your weekend hike
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
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Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
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“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.