Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
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Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Terribly Tuesday.