Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
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I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Meow
Mornin
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Venn
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*