A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body馃槶. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
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Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
I don鈥檛 need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
If I was a Disney princess I鈥檇 most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
I don鈥檛 always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it鈥檚 while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Parents who say they鈥檙e going to the store for smokes and never return, what鈥檚 wrong with you? It鈥檚 your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he鈥檚 a weirdo or he鈥檚 punishing himself for swearing again
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.