i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
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men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.