If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
You Might Also Like
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
that wasn’t the question
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.