HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
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i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
I drew y’all a little something.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce