Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
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Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.