Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
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I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.