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Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
For cardio I live beyond my means.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
this is the greatest thing ever
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer