Mornin. * use accordingly
You Might Also Like
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
any last words?
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.