APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
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“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
White Castle for the Win
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
How times have changed.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.