When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
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[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Actually cracking up @ this
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.