:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
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Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.