[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
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My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
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“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.