The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
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When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.