The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
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[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Best mom ever 😂
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
yeah 😭
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.