Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
You Might Also Like
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
5 ways to appear taller
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
A completely valid reaction tbh
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?