Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
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I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
i did the math
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
This sounds bad:
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?