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Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already