My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
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Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”