The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
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Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
🙅🏻
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.