I painted a hot chick with big jugs
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Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I know
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.