Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
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Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Wednesday
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]