when dads have a rap battle
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Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs