When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
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This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”