Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
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INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Shortcut
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
I’m good, thanks.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.