well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
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Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
“I wouldn’t.”
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM