Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
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This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*