Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
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I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
*pronounces UPS like yoops
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
My dog after a walk in the woods.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.