I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
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Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.